Is Your Relationship Causing Harm to Your Health?   You are going be surprised by this research on how unhappy relationships compromise your physical body. The latest research on couples points to a gruesome conclusion: People in marriages filled with resentment heal more slowly (physically) and die sooner than those in happy marriages. How does an unhappy marriage literally steal years from your life? It comes down to the toll a bad relationship takes on your body. Living in relationship stress is living in a state of chronic, physical stress. As with any chronic stress, the body reacts by resorting to chronic fight or flight physiology, which sets in motion a series of biological events that are medically proven to shorten life. One of the primary dangers of relationship-induced stress is slow healing due to a compromised immune system. The study conducted at Ohio State University shows how physically harmful arguing can be. In the research, 37 married couples were given vacuum blisters on the arm and then asked to engage in mutual conversation for 30 minutes. Each couple was videotaped so researchers could grade them on their communication skills. After 12 days, the researchers discovered that the blisters healed faster for the people who enjoyed positive communication styles. The couples who engaged in mutual hostility had the slowest healing blisters. Why does resentment prevent physical healing? The researchers at Ohio State who did the study think it might have something to do with oxytocin."Oxytocin is a protective hormone," says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, the lead author of the study. Kiecolt-Glaser observed that better communicators had the highest levels of oxytocin in their blood samples. Bad relationships slowly destroy people, one drop of blood at a time. If you're in a stressed out relationship, you really have two options: 1) work to heal the relationship 2) leave. Neither of these options is simple in real life. With so much at stake - finances, children, the overwhelming prospect of starting over, the painstaking process of mending the relationship - it may be very tempting to "ride it out" a little longer and give in to being unhappy. Of course, this is a grave mistake (no pun intended). Why don't more people actually resolve their marital difficulties? In my experience there are lots of surface excuses, but three fundamental reasons why people do not successfully work on their marriage. 1. Lack of knowledge. It's true that many people simply do not know where to begin. Which communication skills are vital to success in relationships? How do you manage the inevitable conflict along the way? How do you know if you are truly compatible? How do you deal with someone who doesn't want to make the effort? Where do you even begin? These crucial questions are thoroughly addressed in the new Dating, Relating and Mating course offered by Jake and Hannah Eagle. Jake is a psychotherapist in Santa Fe who has literally cracked the code on romantic relationships. From A-Z, [...]

Learn How Not to Settle for Less in Love!   Ever know anyone who clearly settled for a less than an optimal relationship, or even a painful one? It happens all the time. Why do we do it? In fact, in one survey of 6,000 men, 31% of them openly confessed that they would be willing to settle for someone they didn't love. And 21% even claimed they'd partner up with someone they found unattractive. These are they who were willing to admit it. How many other people are willing to settle, but wouldn't admit it? Even more interestingly, how many people knew they were with the wrong person even as they walked down the aisle? You may even know someone who has done this. Addressing this question takes us straight down the path toward the deeper issues in life, so let's get to it. Here are four reasons why some people settle, according to experience and research 1. Fear of being alone A recently published study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has found that fear of being single is a major predictor for settling. According to lead author Stephanie Spielmann, people who have strong fears about being single tend to be willing to settle for less in their relationships. This may encourage them to stay in unhappy long-term relationships. They may also date people who do not treat them well. The study found that both men and women experience fears of being alone and that these feelings create similar tendencies in relationship behavior. This directly contradicts the popular stereotype that only women experience a fear of being single. The guys are coming out with their fears now, which is probably a good thing in and of itself. 2. Many people simply do not know how to create healthy, happy relationships Psychotherapist Jake Eagle, co-author of the Dating, Relating and Mating online education program, claims that most people get the dating, relating and mating process all wrong. According to Eagle, we: • Don't date enough people before committing to "the one." • Share intimate information too early in the dating process, often on the first or second date (missing the chance to just have fun together and establish a friendship). • Have sex too soon. • Get married first, then attempt to solve the problems in the relationship. • Don't measure compatibility in terms of values, dreams of the good life, communication styles and chemistry. • Are often not willing to end a relationship that clearly doesn't work because we are driven by unresolved psychological issues. When you don't date around much, get involved sexually before you know the character of the other person, get married before you learn to solve problems, then you are primed for pain and failure. Given that so few people were never taught the rigors of creating a relationship intentionally, many settle because - well - they simply give up trying to figure out how it is [...]

The Price We Pay for Keeping Negative Relationships   Would you voluntarily hop into a cage with an angry chimpanzee then wonder how you got stuck with the beast? This chimp is about to attack me! Why should I have to put up with this? You don't. You put yourself there by choice. Maybe I can do something to calm this beast down so we can be friends. Sorry. There may be a few professionals on this earth with enough training and skill to do that, but not you. And trained professionals wouldn't put themselves in harm's way like this. Still, there must be something I can do. Yes, get out before you get hurt and don't ever do that again! Get out? I can't do that! The chimp might get lonely. Besides, he shouldn't be acting that way, so I insist that he change. Good luck. It's so obvious, but is it really? This is exactly what we do. We set ourselves up for rejection and pain, then insist that it should not be happening or that we can change the other person. Some people repeat this pattern for a lifetime. I've done my share of this. Seeking the approval of negative people can be an emotional addiction. It approaches insanity in many cases. I know this addictive path intimately, as I walked it for decades with my older brother. My brother and I are not close and never have been, even when we shared a room as children. As the younger brother, I sought his approval in a thousand ways, trying to emulate him so he would like me. It never happened. As an adult, I soldiered on, but still never got the approval I was seeking. Yet, I insisted on trying. It felt like my duty. But we are brothers! We should be friends. This was my mantra, but that did not make a loving, brother-to-brother relationship any more likely. It takes two to create a relationship and when one party has no interest, that's all she wrote. Only after many, many years of painful and fruitless effort did I realize that seeking the approval of anyone - even a brother - who is predisposed to disapproval is equal to seeking yet another rejection. This was my psychological attachment. My mind would churn on this for days at a time. How can this be? Then, I'd set myself up to get knocked down again. The price we pay for keeping negative relationships The toll is chronic rejection, worry and stress. When you engage people that consistently respond negatively, you produce negative thoughts and feelings within yourself that are embedded into every cell of your body. It is especially painful when the other party is an immediate relative: a parent, spouse, sibling or even your own child. You can carry around the negativity in the form of painful emotions, disbelief, emotional shock and stress. It adversely affects your attitude, positive relationships, and your [...]