Finding Love: How to Know When You Have It and How To Keep It
As relationship professionals, clients regularly ask us how they can tell if they are in love. If you were to ask 100 people, you would likely get 100 different answers. Attempting to define the emotion of love with words is like trying to catch water with your hands—just when you think you have articulated all there is to it, it slips through your fingers. Let’s give it a try though. Here are some of the ways love is commonly defined: infatuation, a great sexual connection, feelings of exhilaration, passion and elation, an inability to eat and sleep and concentrate, butterflies and stomach swirls. Dictionary.com defines love as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. One of the more memorable definitions we’ve seen is “a little itch on the heart that you can’t scratch!” However you define love, most agree that it’s a wonderful feeling, and once they experience it, they want to keep it. So, here is our best advice on how to attract love with the right person and when you do, how to increase your chances of maintaining a loving relationship. 1) Know who you are, what’s important to you, what you must have in a relationship for it to work for you, and where you are willing to negotiate. 2) Look for people who connect with you regarding values, lifestyle, family, interests, etc. Your differences should create balance, not dissension. Keep in mind that sometimes, the very differences that initially draw you together can be the same ones that ultimately tear you apart. 3) Try not to get intimate too early in the relationship. Often a sexual relationship and strong chemistry can cloud judgment and compromise objectivity. 4) Don’t get into an exclusive relationship too quickly. There should be a period of time—a “cooling off” period—where your head has a chance to catch up with your heart. We recommend 60-90 days. 5) Slow down. If you have an overwhelming sense of urgency, you might give off an unpleasant odor of desperation. 6) Look honestly for red flags. When you find one, dig for more. Don’t close your eyes to bothersome traits and troubling issues that arise just to keep the relationship going. They will likely rear their heads again, and you will have to contend with them anyway. 7) Be authentically who you are, right from the beginning. If you try to change yourself to suit whomever you are dating, then be prepared for the consequences of that deception when the “real you” shows up, usually under stress or after the early infatuation phase quiets down a bit. If who you really are doesn’t appeal to your date, wouldn’t you rather know that right away? If you have to suppress or exaggerate personality traits, behavior, opinion or even style of dress in order to keep a person in your life, odds are great that relationship won’t last. 8) Love should be easy. If it’s too much like work, it’s not working. [...]