Dating after a divorce is like hearing nails on a chalkboard repeatedly. It’s a whole unknown world when entering the dating scene after being married for years. Many who step into this unchartered territory may be holding onto anger, sadness, or even feelings for their ex. All these mixed emotions make you wonder, “How long should I wait to date after a divorce?” Honestly, it’s best to hold off on dating again until you’ve healed from your wounds of the divorce. You don’t want to bring in old problems into a new relationship. If you’re struggling to find love again after a divorce, follow these tips to help you enter the dating world.   1. Reflect on Your Last Relationship             Somewhere within your last relationship, something went wrong. Neither partner is ever perfect in a relationship. We are all human and we make mistakes. The point is to work on yourself to become a better you. Post-divorce is the perfect time to work on self-improvement. Take the time to ask yourself these questions to help you reflect: Why am I so angry about the ending of the relationship? Where did I go wrong in the relationship? How did I react when my partner had a problem? Did I let my traumas cause drama within the relationship? Did I let family and friends get involved with our problems? Journal these questions to gain a starting point on reflecting your past relationship.   2. Start a Self-Love Journey             Wondering why it’s hard to date after a divorce? It could be because of you not giving yourself a chance to love yourself. Focus on self-love before searching for love elsewhere. This is a good time to work through your inner trauma. Often after divorces, we hold a lot of pain and anger. Let go of your anger before jumping into another relationship. If you don’t, then you’re letting your old problems enter a new relationship and that’s unhealthy! Give yourself a chance to grow and love you. How can you give love when you don’t fully love yourself?   3. Know Dating After a Divorce with Kids Is Tough             Dating after a divorce is already nerve-wracking. And adding kids into the equation can make it even more stressful. You want someone who will love you and your kids fully. Luckily, we live in a time where it’s normal to date after a divorce with kids, though t’s hard to trust other people around your kids. Also, your kids may not take fondly of you dating someone new. Follow these tips when dating after a divorce with kids Take everything slow No early introduction Have a talk with your kids on you dating someone new Discuss with your new partner how they feel about dating someone with kids. Tell your partner your children come before anyone else and you can’t continue [...]

You’ve been dating for a while and you’re wondering where this is going to go. Are you on the same page or playing it day by day? Being in a relationship can be a bumpy road, but the rewards a great one brings is worth the ride. If you’re ready for more than a just a fling and see a real future, it’s time to step up to the plate and plan for what’s to come. Is this relationship a home run or will you strike out? These telltale signs that your relationship is getting serious will help you determine where you stand and if you may be headed toward happily ever after.   1. No Games             The start of many relationships involves beating around the bush, playing hard to get, and leaving one another confused, yet captivated. It’s all part of the “game,” where each party plays it cool and keeps it casual. After the back-and-forth flirting becomes something more solid, the games are replaced by genuine feelings and honest conversations. If your relationship doesn’t involve unanswered texts, no-shows, and pics with random “just friends” on social media, it’s a great sign that your relationship is well past the game phase. You’re into each other and want to keep it that way. You don’t question their intentions or fear you’ll catch them in a compromising situation. Straightforward has replaced silliness, and you’re getting serious.   2. Circle Of Friends             Once you’ve introduced your significant other to your besties, and vice-versa, it’s a great sign that the relationship is the real deal. You seek approval from the people you care about the most, plus you want to show off your special person to your pals. If everyone gets along and the vibe is comfortable, it’s reassuring for the whole group. After all, your significant other will hopefully be around for the long run, so it’s important that they can chill with your crowd without any awkwardness. You want to blend in with their crew too, and the closer you are with your partner, the more at ease you’ll feel with their friends. Next step…family!   3. There’s More “We” Than “Me”             When you were single, it was all about your life, and you lived it to cater to your personal desires. That’s perfectly acceptable and admirable. Now that you have a person you’re paired with, your thought process has moved from “you” to “two.” When you actually prefer planning and doing as a couple, it’s a clear sign that you’ve reached a major milestone. Whether it’s weekend dinner plans or even a job move, you factor in the relationship above all else. Same goes for your significant other, who wouldn’t even dare watch something on Netflix without you “chilling” right beside them.   4. You Can’t Imagine Life Without Them             When [...]

Have you found “the one,” or the wrong one? Sometimes, it’s not as easy as it seems to realize if your guy is good for you or simply a mismatch…even a mistake. If you are having doubts, you’re already on edge, and understandably so. No one wants to think negatively about someone they’re seeing, but in the search for romance, things can get blurry. When everything is picture perfect, there’s no need to fret. Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, so don’t get bent out of shape if you have an off day. Chalk it up to learning and growing, and get back on track stronger than before. That said, if you have more “off” moments than you’d like to admit, there’s a chance that he’s not the right man…at least not for you. As attracted as you may be, along with the fun and flirtation that keeps you on your toes, when there’s a missing puzzle piece, the relationship can never be complete. Every relationship is unique. What works for you won’t work for someone else. You know yourself best, and you have the intuition to determine if the one you’re with is “Mr. Right.” However, a little guidance goes a long way. Any “What ifs?” shouldn’t be ignored, so see if any of these signs apply to your situation.   He Doesn’t Put You First When you’re #1, you know it. You are treated like the queen you are, and you deserve it. Any man who doesn’t go above and beyond for you isn’t good enough. But before you put him on blast, realize this doesn’t mean you’re his top priority 24/7. He has a job, perhaps children, and other important things to tend to, as responsibility is essential. Be grateful that your man is mature and makes time for these must-dos. He may be busy, but he has time for you. You’re his main focus, even when he’s occupied with a zillion other things. If he’s late at work, a quick text is all it takes to let you know you’re on his mind. When he’s with family, he can FaceTime you so you can all say hello. While he’s away, a bouquet of flowers sent to your doorstep is just a computer click away. There are plenty of ways to put you first, even when he’s frazzled. If you get the feeling like he has forgotten about you, then he’s not managing his time or priorities.   He’s Hiding Something Does your man run off to another room whenever his phone buzzes? Why can’t you use his laptop? Have you met any of his friends or family members? Something’s shady when your guy is secretive or sneaky. Honesty is at the core of any successful relationship. If you can’t trust your man, you truly have nothing…at least not anything of substance. While he doesn’t have to share everything with you, he shouldn’t lie or hide anything either. Opening [...]

Breakups can be brutal, whether it was a mutual decision, you did the “dumping,” or you were blindsided by your former significant other’s change of heart. After being with someone special, finding yourself single is new territory to tackle. It may have been a relatively short relationship or one that lasted for years, but your new status will take some time to get used to. Moving on is essential, and everyone goes at their own pace. Getting over the initial slump and slowly finding a “new normal” outside the comfort of a relationship will be a mountain to climb, so taking it bit by bit will get you back into your groove. These tools can aid you in embracing your newly single self, allowing you to take what you’ve learned from the past and apply it as you step into this new phase. Mostly, it’s all about how you manage your emotions and behaviors, making sure they’re in your own best interest as you get over the loss and live your life to the fullest into the future.   Talk with Someone You Trust             Keeping your feelings bottled up inside won’t make them disappear. Eventually, they’ll boil over and you’ll feel broken. You don’t have to do this alone. Share your thoughts with a close friend or family member, one who has your back, but won’t sugarcoat the truth. You need a sounding board, but guidance and advice are just as important. Be raw and vulnerable, and don’t worry about seeming weak or confused. A true companion will be a shoulder to cry on and an uplifting force. If you don’t have someone you’re close with and you need to let it out, a therapist can get you through this rough patch.   No Social Media “Stalking”             Unless you part as friends, it’s a good idea to “unfollow” and “unfriend” your ex. The last thing you need to do is see photos of their whereabouts, who they’re spending time with, and so forth. You’re sure to interpret things incorrectly, further adding to your already unstable state. Do yourself a favor and you’ll soon forget about them. Ask your friends to do the same, so they don’t have any information they may accidentally (or purposefully) spill. Time off from social media in general is probably a positive thing anyhow post-breakup. It gives you more time to reflect and look within, rather than scrolling mindlessly to mask your pain.   Embrace The “Me Time”             Now that you’re solo, use the time alone to your advantage. You don’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs for the time being, so make “me time” your main priority. Get a massage. Exercise more. Go out for brunch…yes, by yourself. Soak in a relaxing bubble bath and listen to music as you sip a glass of bubbly. Whatever makes you feel soothed and [...]

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”~Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.   Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally? Indeed, almost effortlessly. There is a good reason for this. These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow. When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough. That they fall short. Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart? Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow. Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship. If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well? Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.   Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change our loved ones’ traits and habits or opine and advise what they should do differently. Myself included! I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage. In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage. I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled. She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later. When I continued harping, I was quickly met with, “You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry… and keeping the garage neat!” Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship! I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond. As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was—clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow. Our bond is stronger than ever today. Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected gift. It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter. I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise. Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me. Simply put, it was about me, not her! It [...]

It can be said dating is a way to figure out all the things you don’t want in a partner. And if you want to find the right person, that’s exactly what you need to do. However, it’s equally important to know yourself because that’s the only way you will truly know if they’re ‘right’ for you. Read on for some sure-fire tips to finding, and choosing, the right person for you.   Is it lust or love? First and foremost, you need to work out whether you have a genuine connection with the person you’re seeing. If it’s based in a raw, sexual attraction that doesn’t see you guys stretch much further than the bedroom, you may be in lust. Attraction is important in a relationship, but is not what sustains one. Attraction and infatuation fade, but a real connection doesn’t.   Identify your needs Sure, we all have a mental list of traits or attributes we want to find in a partner. Looks, money, lifestyle, and travel are all great things to have, but they aren’t wholly necessary. Living a lavish lifestyle won’t determine whether you’re treated right or are compatible with your partner. So, focus on the important things; what are their values and core beliefs? How do they think and act as a partner? How do they make you feel in the bigger picture? Working out those things are the best indication of whether this is someone you can build a future with.   Don’t give in to fear or convenience You should value your single-ness. We know that sounds weird. We’re telling you how to find the right person right? But go with it. When you’re happy in yourself and your life, when you meet someone, they’ll be a welcome bonus to your already full life. Choosing to be with someone out of fear or convenience because you don’t want to be alone is not the way to find the right person. It just means you’ll be with whoever happens to show you some attention. If you’re truly committed to finding the right person, you won’t settle.   Find someone you can be you around Lastly, the right person for you is the one who you can be yourself around. And we mean truly be yourself around. Your unapologetic, unfiltered self, flaws and all. Being with someone who truly accepts you is one of the most freeing feelings in the world, and will allow you to build a solid, trusting relationship with them. And as much as you should be able to be yourself, your partner should feel equally as accepted. Being your authentic selves will allow you to make genuine connections and support each other in the best way possible. These are just a few tips for finding the right person for you, and there are many other factors that determine your choice of partner. But as long as you trust your intuition, be positive, and be yourself, you [...]

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in my life is to risk nothing.” ~Leo Buscaglia It was the day after my boyfriend proposed and I felt sick with anxiety. I couldn’t understand this feeling. I loved my boyfriend; we were living together, and I didn’t want to break up with him, so why was I so anxious? I googled furiously in search of answers. I worried this was a sign that the relationship wasn’t ‘right,’ and this made me feel even more anxious. I worried that it was my gut instincts speaking to me and I would regret it if I didn’t listen. But there was another part of me that didn’t want to leave the relationship. That was very confusing. “Maybe I am just afraid to be alone,” I thought. However, as someone with a tendency toward anxiety I also wondered if this was just another expression of that. Finally, after about a month of sleepless nights, worrying, and googling, I came across a forum that mentioned relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD) or relationship anxiety. What is ROCD? “Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted, and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and ‘true nature’ of their love for their partner. Obsessions in ROCD include a preoccupation with a partner’s appropriateness as a mate, overall level of attractiveness, sexual desirability, or long-term compatibility, and often arise in otherwise entirely healthy relationships.” (Center for OCD Los Angeles) It gave me a huge sense of relief to know that what I was experiencing was indeed anxiety-related and I didn’t need to leave my lovely fiancé. I took a relationship anxiety course and it was of enormous help to me. I learned so much about myself and am now able to enjoy my relationship again. I want to share what I learned in the hope that it will help someone else. The Difference Between Anxiety and Gut Instincts My main concern before and after learning about ROCD was “What if this is actually my gut instincts telling me that I need to leave?” This is a scary question, and a very common one for sufferers of ROCD. There is also no definitive way of answering this question, which is frustrating. Anxiety hates uncertainty. One thing that helped me was to remind myself that I have worried obsessively about lots of things for most of my life. For instance, when I was single, I wanted to know with absolute certainty that I would meet someone and be happily married one day. I would seek reassurance from friends and family and worry about it endlessly. This anxiety felt similar to that. If I’d worried unnecessarily in the past, it stood to reason I could be doing the same thing in my relationship. Fear of Conflict [...]

What are your values? Down through the ages, many have said honesty, loyalty, justice, fairness, mercy, and bravery. I concur, however I believe that in this new decade we need not to forget the value of love. That raises some important questions. Is love a value? Does love belong in the same category as these other values? A value is a characteristic of merit to which we can live by. So, can we live by love?   “Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses.” — Lao Tzu   Based on the current events that are happening in the world, like me, you probably also feel like the future is uncertain and that the world is quickly turning into a very sad place. With rumors of war, hate, and unfairness happening, we feel powerless sometimes not knowing what to do to help stop these things from coming to pass in the scary world that we live in. However, I believe we as humans have forgotten that one thing that can heal the brokenness of this world, love. Love is the value that makes our relationships better. Love means I can be kind, caring, and understanding. Spreading love in your own way will get us one step closer to unity throughout mankind. It would make it a more positive and livable place for our children. It doesn’t have to be too great or too big, it can be as small as expressing gratitude to your friends and family, or helping out a stranger whenever they need a helping hand. Donate your clothes you no longer wear. Say “thank you” more. Make an extra lunch for a homeless person. In conclusion, in today’s society we are overloaded with messages that admonish us to put “me” first. As a consequence, we forget that the point of having the value of love is to spread it to others. When you spread the love, the love comes back to you many times over through loving relationships. If we can all come together and do our small part each day in spreading the value of love, we can leave this world knowing that we have created a positive place for our children to enjoy without any fear or sadness. So, can we live by love? I say, YES, WE CAN!

“By letting our deep longing for love and connectedness be exposed…[we are] opening up the channel through which love can enter.” ~John Welwood When we feel disconnected from our romantic partner what we often want most is to genuinely feel their love again, to feel connected. And yet, it can be so difficult to simply share that longing. So instead of explaining or asking for what we want in a loving way, we complain about what is wrong, about how our partner isn't showing up for us. Or we simply withdraw. This is especially true for sensitive souls like me, who are a bit hard up on assertiveness. I was the girl once painfully called a “sheep” by the boy I had a crush on because I would follow my friends into social situations where they talked and laughed with the cute boys, but I could only sit smiling and mute at their side. There was just so much at risk in speaking, and my thoughts came slower when I was feeling nervous, which was often. Somewhere along the line, I ended up resorting unconsciously to using the tactic of complaining in an attempt to get the affection I wanted. No wonder my first marriage fizzled! About two years into my current relationship, which had been going wonderfully, I started to notice that I was generating negative interactions more and more frequently. My voice would get a little whiny when I wanted to do something with him. Or I would accuse him of not paying enough attention to me, or of spending too much time working. Sometimes tears would be the only outward sign that I was feeling disconnected. This tactic of trying to get what we want through accusation or complaint is very normal for many of us. Because if we straight out say what we long for we are exposing our heart. We are showing our vulnerability. And that can be very uncomfortable. This is doubly true for those of us like me who tend to be very sensitive and driven by feeling. We often feel shame about what is seen as abnormal emotionality. We prefer to appear as the culture expects us to be: strong and steady, certainly not needy! But because of our conscientious and caring nature, we tend to value and cherish deep connection above much else. This makes revealing our tender vulnerable heart in intimate relationship especially unnerving, as it seems so much is at stake. We prefer to stay safely guarded behind our complaint. It is easier to focus on what our partner isn't giving us. If we never share what we want outright, they could never reject us. Right? Wrong. What we often get in response is distance. Which feels to many of us remarkably like rejection. Ironically, it is the very act of showing our heart in this naked way that has the power to create that deep intimacy we long for. Scary as it may [...]

“Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.” ~Sheryl Sandberg It took me a couple months to start repairing my broken heart after the toughest breakup of my life. I thought we were going to spend our lives together, but the gods of love had other plans. After I’d grieved in healthy (and not-so-healthy ways) I knew I could take two paths: stay stuck in my misery or pick myself up, dust off my sadness, and make a plan to move on. And now it’s time for you to move on and find love again, too. I know it’s not easy. For years I believed my ex was “the one” and the thought of finding someone new after our breakup was terrifying. But I got back on my horse and kept riding. I felt the fear of rejection, putting myself out there again, playing the “dating game,” trusting someone new, and wasting my time with people I didn’t connect with. But finding love doesn’t have to be complicated and scary if you follow a plan, just like anything else in life. You want to start your own business, take a vacation, or get out of debt? Make a plan. You want to find love? You’ve got to make a plan for that, too. If you don’t have a plan you’ll continue stumbling around in the dark hoping you’ll miraculously find true love. So if you’re struggling to find love and tired of the same old patterns leading you into the arms of the wrong people, then listen up… Step 1: Let go of your ex. Have you really let go of your ex and moved on from your breakup? If you haven’t let go, you’re not going to find love. Period. On the first date I went on after my breakup I talked about my ex. A lot. I knew I was breaking the sacred rules of first dates, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to hide my true feelings. Because the fact was I was still sad about it. It was clear to me that I wasn’t yet over the breakup. But I also understood that if I had my ex and my breakup on my mind there was never going to be room for new love to enter. Do you still have negative feelings around your breakup? Are you holding onto anger, shame, or resentment? If you want to find a new partner and true love, you’ve got to let that stuff go. Whether you’re getting over a recent breakup or a breakup that happened months or even years ago, you have to let go. How? First, stop avoiding and suppressing your negative feelings. We avoid dealing with our feelings in all sorts of ways: binge-watching television, eating, sex, alcohol, drugs, and telling people, “Everything is fine,” when we’re actually a hot mess. Instead of avoiding and suppressing, let your feelings flow through you and get [...]

“To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.“ ~T. Tolis Relationships are not always easy. If you lack the tools to engage properly with a partner and cannot show up in a healthy way, you will find your relationship is ten times harder and most likely prone to failure. I wish I had known these things when I first started dating, as it would have made my life much easier. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must know the following: 1. How to communicate effectively My first love and I were together for four years, and our relationship failed because we could not communicate. I didn’t know how to express myself effectively, and I blamed him for all our problems. I never stopped to think about my part in everything and how I was failing to meet his needs. One of the major obstacles couples face, if not the major obstacle, is the ability to communicate properly. I don’t mean talk. I mean communicate. What we often fail to realize is that we talk at each other rather than listening and hearing and trying to understand. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can communicate. Communicating means you understand are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and that you try your hardest to understand them and their needs. Next time you are with your partner and they are talking, try listening. Sit and listen, and do not try to think of the next thing you are going to say or how you are going to contradict what they are saying. When people feel heard they will be more open to listening to what you have to say. If you cannot understand or refuse to try to understand what your partner needs because you are too focused on getting your point across and making sure you are understood, then you are talking and not communicating. Do you and your partner talk at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win the argument? Even if you win the argument you could lose something much more valuable. Although you may be winning the battle, you will be losing the war. It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. The sooner we all accept this the easier it will be to stop being so frustrated and learn to understand each other. Throughout history men and women have had to adapt differently, hence a difference in communication styles. Studies have shown that women are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time while men can only use one side at a time. Men are protectors and providers, and their mode of communication is silent problem solving, whereas women are nurturers and we have learned to cope through talking and sharing of experiences. There is so much that can [...]

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen   When we fall in love, we feel excited to experience some of the most joyful moments of our lives. Because love is supposed to be the source of the best feelings, right? But what about when that relationship churns up some hard stuff and leaves you feeling hurt, annoyed, sad, and irate? For many of us, especially deep-feelers like me, when we start to experience these inevitable lows in our relationship, we may conclude that something is inherently wrong with it. But what if that assumption is just smoke and mirrors? What if it is preventing you from truly experiencing the real love you crave? Believing something is wrong with your relationship might, tragically, lead you to conclude that the relationship has failed and should be ended, even though it’s actually pretty healthy and promising. “I’ve been annoyed with him a lot lately,” and, “We just haven’t been connecting much” are common complaints I hear from people I talk with. Followed frequently by the sentence of doom, “Maybe I made a mistake by marrying him.” “Maybe they aren’t meant for me.” I’ve made that same jump of reason in the past. Multiple times in my twenties, I ended relationships full of potential because bad feelings were arising more often than I thought they should. I thought it meant something was wrong with him or with us. Being someone who is highly attuned to what I feel, I have always taken my feelings really seriously. When I feel bad, I feel really bad. And when things feel, well, blah, I feel that deeply, too. As had been my norm in past relationships, when my partner and I began to get over those hormone-stoked, bursting-with-love early months of our relationship, I started to feel moments when things didn’t feel “good” anymore. When it all felt “dull.” When he wasn’t behaving how I thought he ought to. When we weren’t “connecting” like I thought we should. Like I had done in the past, I could have taken this as a sign that something was wrong with our relationship, and that he was the wrong man for me. But I was gifted with a powerful secret that changed everything at a relationship workshop we had attended together to preemptively deal with the normal stuff that sabotages great relationships (we were committed to this relationship thriving): This dullness was normal and healthy. What? As I let the power of this one mental shift sink in, and marinated in the subtleties of what it meant, my relationship began to full-on thrive—and continues to years later. My hope is that it can change your relationship for the better, too. Let’s Investigate This Further Imagine your emotional life as a spectrum from terrible to wonderful, with neutral in the middle. It is completely normal to spend one-third of the time on [...]