Dear Mrs. BFC

My 12-year-old, always sweet, loving and honest daughter has suddenly turned into Regina   from Mean girls…What is happening???? Signed Former Mom of an angel now dealing with….

 

Dear Former Mom of an Angel

Ok, take a moment to remember yourself at 12 years old. That’s probably hard. It’s as if child birth literally rips away any lingering memories of our childhood selves save for the warm and fuzzy parts where you were a cherub of cuteness. Guess what, it’s highly likely you were an absolute jerk to your mother at some point and you yourself went through this phase, try to remember what it felt like to suddenly have everything you thought you knew turned on its head. That’s what’s happening to your daughter.

 

This period is a rite of passage for teenage girls. It is the moment in which we fully separate from you, MOM…Yep, it’s happening. Your daughter is becoming an individual. With her own thoughts and opinions, ideas about who she wants to be, how she wants to show up in this world and she has a whole lot of other influences that are way cooler than you are…and she really doesn’t want to be like you right now anyway, no matter how awesome you might be.

 

It’s time for you to pick any one of these Top Warrior Moms and embody them…quickly https://www.livescience.com/14055-top-12-warrior-moms-history.html

 

I chose Isabella I, unifier of Spain…

 

Because…you’re going to need a whole lotta mojo to keep your warrior princess in check during this part of her journey.

 

We could all use a refresher course in emotional intelligence, compassion, empathy and patience and our kids won’t learn these important lessons with a lecture or sending them to their room, especially now with hormones running high, doors slamming and the utter catastrophe’s occurring daily in her life.

 

She needs you, now, more than ever, to keep your cool, wield your sword and your love even handedly with the skill and precision of the Warrior Mama within you. You’ve got this.

 

Here are some helpful tips and reminders to carry in your pocket book (And don’t worry you’re going to have good days and bad days, be patient and don’t be hard on yourself – this is hard.)

 

Step 1: Teach them cause and effect of their actions and behaviors. Allow them to fail, let them know when their behavior has crossed the line. Look we are all jerks every once in a while, and right now your daughter is being flooded with emotions she doesn’t know how to deal with. It’s really intense, so allow, breath and choose your battles.

 

Practice: Mom, you do not have to react to every eye roll, snarky come back or moment of sass… the more you choose your battles the more she will learn to do the same. When it matters, set boundaries and if she breaks them, let the wrath of which ever Warrior Mom you’ve chosen fall down upon her, when it doesn’t, be cool as a cucumber. Right now, to her, everything is Defcon 5, she is looking to you to learn discernment. Even if she doesn’t act like it, she’s watching and learning from you.

 

Step 2: Communicate your own feelings. If you wake up full of hormones and pissyness, tell her. I am cranky today, I don’t know why and I might be short with you. Don’t take it personally.

 

Practice: Teach your kids to communicate using feeling words. I am feeling (insert feeling here) today. Let them know we all have moods and emotions which don’t necessarily reflect reality. I tell my kids how I feel, if I’m stressed about a project or thing I’m dealing with I share about it. It creates space for them to do the same. It also lets’ them observe me in my own process of dealing with my moods and emotions. Every morning and night since my kids could talk we have had “sharing time” in which each of us gets to share whatever, without judgement, advice or opinion…If you haven’t done this…that’s ok, start it now… 5 minutes of complaining time…. Your job is to keep silent. Let them be in their emotions without trying to fix them or judging them. It’s especially important to not compare your childhood to theirs, we did not grow up with constant connection and technology and the more you can show them acceptance for their way of life, the more they’ll include you.

 

Step 3. Model gratitude. No matter what is going on in my life, I am always grateful…. I have a home, food, clothing and a whole lot more than most. Even when it’s hard I make it a point to find something to be grateful for. Perspective and gratitude are powerful tools in terms of emotional intelligence.

 

Practice: Cherish the time you have with your kids. My favorite time is on our way to school in the morning. We have a practice. It starts with each kid listing 5 things they are grateful for in their life. I don’t judge what they are grateful for. Sometimes It’s their Xbox or their Iphones, and if I allow, it’s me, their friends, their home, their beds, their food. Stop trying to manufacturer teaching moments and instead listen for them, give them space to find gratitude on their own terms. The next step we do is to create our day. I ask them “what is it you want to experience today, what feeling, what outcome and what are you willing to do to create that outcome” Usually its pass a test, run the mile, and sometimes it’s dealing with a tough situation in their life, the more you allow them to just express themselves without judgement or advice, the more they will open up about what’s going on with them. …Allow them to learn from experience that their attitudes, their behavior and what they do impacts the outcomes of their dreams and desires. The more they experience this for themselves, the more likely they are to be more thoughtful and careful with their behavior. So, if your daughter rolls up with a mouthful of sass, walk away. Do not engage, especially in the moment. Give yourself (and her) some time to breath and reflect, she might chase you down in the beginning, but eventually she’s going to learn that tone doesn’t fly. Also, after you’ve both cooled down, let her know how her tone made you feel, don’t blame her, but ask her questions about how she’s feeling and why she chose to act out.

 

Step 4: Self Reflection. I make mistakes and when I do with my kids I fess up. I react, I engage in battle when it’s not necessary and when I do, I acknowledge it loud and proud…. OOOPSSS I GOT CAUGHT IN THAT!!! This allows my kids to see that we all do it and that there is an out. Apology (Sincerely) Acknowledgement, awareness, and correction.

 

Practice: Be willing to admit your own mistakes, take the consequences and move forward with wisdom. Let them know that there is always a way forward and that in order to do that we must be willing to acknowledge our mistakes and make a change. That is key. Saying sorry a thousand times without change is meaningless. I don’t make my kids apologize. I ask them if there is anything they’d like to say. And if they don’t make the choice I know (as a mom) is right, I excuse them from them space and offer them a moment to reflect. I allow them to share their feelings, “right or wrong” and give them space to work it out. I have found when you allow them to process they eventually come to an awareness of other perspectives which may not be their own and compassion and empathy come naturally – this is emotional intelligence and they need to learn how to find it on their own.

 

Your daughter is coming into her own self. She is learning who SHE is and it’s going to take a few years to learn the dance. Allow her to falter, to be ungraceful, while keeping her in check. Don’t kill her spirit for it is needed. Through your own growth she will thrive. We need the strong feminine right now. We need her to know how to love and forgive herself in order to love and forgive those around her. She needs to understand boundaries, perspectives and to be able to listen to her intuition. She is testing all of that right now and she will for several more years. Your job is to love her through it, to guide her without her knowing she’s being guided. The rebel in her doesn’t want your guidance, she wants your love. So give her what she needs. Oh and the eye rolling and door slamming, she’ll get over that too.