Episode 2 is about “Getting Naked” by identifying what makes you special, what holds you back, and what and how much of yourself to share when you’re dating.
Are you ready to get NAKED?
Not THAT kind of NAKED! As in, being vulnerable, authentic and honest to find the perfect match for you.
Dr. Patrick Williams – Author of Getting Naked joins our cast to teach them how and when to get real and vulnerable when dating.
To our viewers from Dr. Pat:
As a guest expert for Radical Dating I emphasized the importance of honest self-disclosure in dating based on my newest book: Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, Right Place, and with the Right Person My message was to share with those looking for lasting love after age 40, that courageous vulnerability was a must. Why waste time being someone that is not really you?
As Oscar Wilde said, “You might as well be yourself, everyone else is taken.”
Intimacy is ultimately about nakedness. We don’t want to be emotionally naked without careful discrimination any more than we would want to be physically naked in an unsafe environment or relationship. Self-protection is a very human instinct, one at which we are universally proficient. Yet when you can be intimate with a trusted other, there is no need for a disguise.
One of the most important reasons I wrote this book is because I am fascinated by how we become more whole by finding ways to be naked emotionally with trusted people in safe places. Becoming whole implies becoming more of who you are meant to be, more unapologetically yourself. And becoming whole is inextricably twined with being fully seen by another. There has to be a witness. You can be physically naked by yourself, but being emotionally naked alone serves no purpose, no true revealing. It must be a relational experience with a trusted other.
Breaking Out of Your Self-imposed Prison
You have created your own prison from time to time in life. You may have things you are afraid to share that may be shaming, hurtful, or just plain uncomfortable. But you also have some beautiful and unique desires that you may have kept under lock and key, and that is a huge obstacle to finding a loving relationship.
It is important and necessary is to have a safe place to be when needed, but that does not have to feel like prison. You will learn in this chapter how to express any unshared parts of your life and how to experience living on purpose when it leads to emotional freedom and a more fulfilling and complete human experience.
I believe that my profession of personal coaching arose in the latter part of the twentieth century and is flourishing today for two main reasons:
- Humans have a lack of connection to others and purpose. Many of us have acquaintances and friends, but we don’t really feel connected to meaning and purpose.
- There is a shortage of listening. We need people in our life that can really hear us, both what we need to say and to evoke from us what we are not saying, and to speak it out loud to a committed listener.
Each of us looks for fulfillment and authentic happiness in our own way. According to Carl Jung, life purpose and spiritual searching most often emerges in midlife after we have experienced a variety of life’s ages and stages.
Steps to Create a Place of Balance and Personal Power
- Think of the most beautiful place you have ever been. Go there in your imagination, and pay attention to all details of sound, visual, and emotional feelings in that place. Then go there in your mind whenever you need to be energized or calmed. This is your place of power, security, and centering.
- Create a centering routine that you can do effortlessly, for example, a daily walk in nature, bicycling, Tai Chi, yoga, inspirational reading and journaling, or meditating. What else can you choose to have available to you to do routinely?
- Take time for self for extreme self-care, quiet, and self-reflection.
- Embrace and welcome change and learn from it. It is what it is, and change is constant.
- Believe in serendipity. Things do happen for a reason, but we don’t always know the reason until we figure it out.
We want a compelling future, one where we live freer. Break free of your self-imposed prison. What is your vision? What is your passion? For a life of flow and peace, look forward to surprises, side trips, unexpected experiences, and embracing (not fearing) change.
The present is about learning how the future can be allowed to unfold.
Ingredients That Help
- A completed past
- An energized and purposeful present
- A compelling, magnetic future that pulls us forward by irresistible attraction
- “Today never hands me the same thing twice and I believe that for most everyone else life is also a mixture of unsolved problems, ambiguous victories and vague defeats—with very few moments of clear peace. My struggle with today is worthwhile, but it is a struggle nonetheless and one I will never finish.” Hugh Prather, Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person.
We are always in a state of becoming, but if we keep ourselves imprisoned and protected always, we will become what we already are and live as we already do … and nothing else.
I hope you find ways to find the places, people, and moments when you can get a little naked and reclaim your full humanity. And finally, here are some steps to consider for finding a committed listener for deep sharing you know you need to do.
- Test the waters slowly. You really cannot trust everyone, but you can trust some. And a few is all you need. Educate those who you think you can trust to be confidential. They don’t have to fix you. They just need to hear you.
- Write about your shames, blames, scars, or unshared dreams and aspirations first to yourself. This will help you desensitize yourself to the story you tell. Then have a live conversation about some aspect of this journaling with a trusted other. Do not write details to another at this stage. Share in the moment to hear yourself and to be heard by another who can hold what you share and keep it sacred to you.
- Hire a professional to speak to, for example, a therapist, counselor, coach, or minister. But research him or her first! Make sure of his or her credentials and reputation from other clients.
- Imagine the space in your heart and soul that you will open if that which you have hidden in the darkness is brought into the light. Who will you become? How will you live?
Remember to not take it personally. Opinions are just that. They are not the truth but someone’s perspective, just as your view is. The ability and wiliness to stay present to another’s nakedness is something that many people cannot do. That is why taking it slow and being cautious but not paralyzed is important. Find your trustworthy few, and cherish them. And you can return the favor by being a committed listener to others.
If you do all of this to love and accept yourself, warts, wrinkles, and scars, then you will be more lovable and more truly attractive to that loving relationship you seek.
Be sure to check out Dr. Pat’s book Getting Naked here
Radical Dating Tip: Your Naked Nugget
Your Naked Nugget is something real and significant about yourself, usually related to a requirement, that you share with potential partners to quickly determine compatibility.
For example, in this episode Michelle reveals that she’s sensitive to loss. If she were to share this with potential partners she might get one of these three reactions-
- “Big deal, everyone has losses.” (No go!)
- “Uh oh, this woman’s messed up.” (Nope!)
- “Thanks for letting me know, I’ve had losses too.” (Ding ding!)
We normally hold back sharing something this intimate because we don’t want to be judged or rejected, but if you hide who you really are, how will your soul mate find you?