by Leslie Shore

From the kindergarten classroom to the corporate boardroom, men and women are socialized to communicate differently. Unfortunately, instead of taking advantage of the different styles in a positive way, we see colleagues at odds with each other and not understanding why the conversation is going awry. There are two main differences in gender communication styles: how they listen and why they speak, and disproportionate interrupting of women by men.

Men and women listen in conversations for different things. It has long been known that men, because they are wired to be fixers, will listen for that need; and women, who are wired for empathy and relationship building, will listen with that filter in place. To add to this differential, men and women also structure their speaking differently. Communication expert Deborah Tannen defines the difference in gender style as “rapport-talk” and “report-talk.”(Githens, 1991) Men get to the point quickly, frontload information, leave out what they consider unimportant information, and don’t sugarcoat their responses. Women give the listener as much context as possible, and as much information as possible in order for the listener to understand the situation, and are more diplomatic in their responses. Lastly, men see conversation as a way to share information, and women see conversation as a way to create or deepen a relationship. Although some of each gender don’t adhere to that behavior, the reality is that the workplace highlights this communication difference on a daily basis.

How does this play out at work? Let’s say you ask your colleague Joe to give you feedback on a PowerPoint, and his comment is, “Why the heck did you chose that approach?” The directness with which it was said puts you on the defensive. When you ask Judy for feedback she says, “That’s an interesting approach. Can you tell me why you chose it?” This response is asking for critical thinking. Joe’s response was clearly expressing disagreement with the approach YOU chose, making it personal. Judy’s response was curiosity as to the rationale, making her response about getting clarity, and perhaps having you re-look at that decision. We generally don’t know why something we said landed well or poorly because there is no understanding as to how socialization affects communication choices at a core level.

Here are some tips to help navigate these treacherous conversational waters.

Men

  1. Understand that women speak to give context, so work on being patient with their way of talking about an issue.
  2. Keep in mind the women react to negative communication more personally than men, as they feel self-respect is on the line. Have your word choice lean toward asking questions rather than using absolute or negative statements.
  3. Remember that women react positively to conversation that enhances connection.

Women

  1. Instead of showing frustration because of the lack of context you are getting, ask questions to get what you need.
  2. Say, “Would you like to rephrase that?” when something that was said lands in you negatively. This allows you to set a boundary without embarrassing the speaker.
  3. Remember that for men, the norm is to speak about facts, not feelings. You may have to ask more questions to get what you are looking for.

The second issue that comes out of the difference of communication style is the disproportionate amount of times that men interrupt women, versus women interrupting men. According to world-renowned gender communication expert Deborah Tannen, men talk to determine and achieve status. Women talk to determine and achieve connection. (Githens, 1991) It is no wonder then that men interrupt more given that in American society, speaking is considered the power position. Interrupting gives them the floor more often, which they feel gives them more status. For men, it comes down to power. Women, by using conversation to enhance connection, are much less likely to interrupt, as it is seen as disrespectful. In fact, “A tremendous amount of academic research . . . support the claim that men interrupt women more in meetings,” writes Stanley Deetz, a communications scholar and author of Managing Interpersonal Communication (Robb, 2015). Can anything change this dynamic? It is doubtful that men or women will change their way of being. However, there are a few things we can do while in conversation.

Men, figure out why you are interrupting. Are you interrupting to become the speaker and gain power? Think twice before you interrupt. How will you look to everyone else in the room? Are you interrupting to get clarity? If so, make sure you ask a clear question and allow the speaker to regain the floor. Are you interrupting because you think you will forget what you want to say? Jot key words on your notepad for use later, instead of interrupting.

Women, if you are interrupted for any reason other than someone asking for clarification, say to the interrupter, “There are a few more essential points I need to make. Can you delay a moment while I do that?, or “I know I will appreciate your feedback, but can you hold off until I am done?” Use strategies that men already use. Use shorter sentences so your breaths in between aren’t as long, making it harder to interrupt; don’t look at the person that is showing with their body language that they are about to interrupt; and speak with conviction using words like ‘know’ instead of believe,’ and ‘will’ instead of ‘might.’

Finally, give each other a break. Poorly worded comments and interruptions are rarely meant to be personal. What is important to remember is that our communication norms are different, so let’s learn what that means and help each other through the rough spots with civil discourse and listening.

Robb,A. Why Men are Prone to Interrupting Women, New York Times.3/19/15. http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2015/03/19/google-chief-blasted-for-repeatedly-interrupting-female-government-official/

Githens, S (1991). Deborah Tannen: Men and Women in Conversation is Cross-Cultural Communication http://faculty.georgetown.edu/bassr/githens/tannen.htm

National speaker, communication expert and author Leslie Shore is the owner of Listen to Succeed, a consultancy that focuses on using listening analytics to help clients achieve their highest level of effective communication. Her book, Listen to Succeed and its companion listening analytics tool, Listening Effectiveness Profile, is used in universities, businesses, and non-profits throughout the United States and Canada.

Applying the wisdom earned from over 15 years as a professor of communication, Leslie has developed a four pronged communication methodology that she uses in her work with individual clients and as a speaker, consultant, coach, and facilitator for corporations, nonprofits, health professional and educational institutions.

Her articles and expertise have been cited in several prestigious publications, including the Washington Post, Fast Company, Scientific American, Well Being Journal, and New Spirit Journal, and she is a regular on TV and talk radio nationwide.

Leslie is the one-stop shop for communication issues that affect the bedroom to the boardroom, family and team dynamics, and contemporary communication issues. Learn more at www.ListenToSucceed.com