When it comes to communication, men and women are different. Not understanding those differences can lead to confusion, hurt feelings, and a great deal of frustration.

I handle sessions with men and women in a different way, taking into account how they process information. That said, as I talk about these differences, I am speaking in general terms and realize that not everyone fits these criteria exactly. My goal here is to give you some information that will help you understand communication styles that affect most men and women.

Women tend to use verbal communication more and incorporate a number of topics in a conversation. We do not separate emotions and facts as much as men. Everything is connected, including thoughts and emotions. Men compartmentalize more and usually focus on one thought at a time, so they find our style of communication frustrating. I have noticed that in my conversations with men, when I change topics quickly, incorporate too many topics in one conversation, or ramble on with lots of ideas, they get this far-away look in their eye or give me some kind of clue that I have lost their interest. They are not doing this to be rude, they just are struggling to follow my spaghetti brain.

Women for the most part will seek out others to talk to when they have a problem or are feeling stressed about a situation. This is one way they can release the stress and feel better. Women talk things through in order to solve problems. Frequently, they need to release emotions first and then talk about all the possible ideas and solutions to move forward.

Sometimes when women are talking, all they really need is to be heard and to feel supported. They may not be looking for a solution at all. This is hard for men to understand since they are solution oriented. This causes discord in relationships when a woman only wants to vent and feel heard, but her partner tries to solve a problem. He may feel disrespected because she does not seem interested in his solutions. I tell couples that if she is discussing a problem that involves emotions, just let her vent and support her. If something is broken, then offer to fix it. For men who are unsure of how to proceed, just ask her.

Men generally communicate in a different way. They prefer to get to the bottom line as quickly as possible. When you are asking your partner for a good time to discuss a problem, it is helpful if you can let him know that you are not upset and reassure him that there will not be drama in the conversation. It is very important not to criticize, judge, offer advice, warn, coax, or try to change him during these conversations. It will not move the conversation forward in a positive direction.

Conversations with men need to be shorter and more to the point. If you can keep the conversation short and drama free, he will be much more likely to hear you and to respond in a positive way. Men want to be successful in all areas of their lives, and this also applies to communication. If he feels he won’t be successful at finding a solution, he may shut down or stop communicating.

Because men want to be successful, they will sometimes take longer to come up with a solution. Women talk until they find a solution, but men often need quiet time to do the same. They prefer to think of all the possibilities alone and then discuss a solution once they have their thoughts together. I have noticed often that women interpret this as the guy not caring or not being interested. They do not understand that he just problem solves in a different way.

In communication, looking at the big picture regarding your relationship is essential for keeping things in perspective. Remember that the relationship and your commitment to each other is the ultimate goal. This is easier when you understand each other better.