About Leslie Shore

National speaker, communication expert and author Leslie Shore is the owner of Listen to Succeed, a consultancy that focuses on using listening analytics to help clients achieve their highest level of effective communication. Her book, Listen to Succeed and its companion listening analytics tool, Listening Effectiveness Profile, is used in universities, businesses, and non-profits throughout the United States and Canada.   Applying the wisdom earned from over 15 years as a professor of communication, Leslie has developed a four pronged communication methodology that she uses in her work with individual clients and as a speaker, consultant, coach, and facilitator for corporations, nonprofits, health professional and educational institutions.   Her articles and expertise have been cited in several prestigious publications, including the Washington Post, Fast Company, Scientific American, Well Being Journal, and New Spirit Journal, and she is a regular on TV and talk radio nationwide. 
Leslie is the one-stop shop for communication issues that affect the bedroom to the boardroom, family and team dynamics, and contemporary communication issues. Learn more at www.ListenToSucceed.com

The Heart of Listening

Imagine a world where every world leader, parent, teacher, manager, and friend has become an effective listener. What would a world populated with truly effective listeners be like? How would it be different? In this kind of world, conversations would not lead to arguments, discussions would not escalate into altercations, and everyone would thoroughly listen to what a speaker had to say in order to better understand what was said the first time it was spoken. For 15 years I have been bringing the transformative power of effective listening tools to corporations, universities, non-profits, and the helping professions. This column is dedicated to bringing practical and reflective tools and information to you, so that you may become more effective in your listening, and help others do the same. The Foundation The foundation of my work on listening began when I reflected on why my grandmother was so successful at building relationships with her family, friends, and people she met. People changed their demeanor in a positive way when they were in conversation with her. The residents in her building always flocked to her apartment to have conversations. I always looked forward to our Saturday afternoons together. Why? Every Saturday during my adolescence in Boston I would ride the trolley to Grandmother’s six-story apartment house to visit. Together Grammy and I would make breaded chicken wings for dinner, entertain her friends living in the building, and then walk arm in arm on the shady side of the street down to Howard Johnson’s, some ten blocks away, to indulge in my favorite dish, fried clams. Along the way, Grammy would ask me about my hobbies, home, and school. Her questions were simple, asked to discover what was happening in my life. She listened to every word I spoke, even, it seemed, the unspoken ones. When we sat down to have our meal, we talked about what was happening in her life and the life of her friends. Since my grandmother was the conversational hub around which the 1440 Beacon Street apartment revolved, there was an ample supply of matters to talk about. On the walk back, minor incidents became magical. On the other side of the street, which was lined with all kinds of shops, all the proprietors knew who my grandmother was. Clerks at the local grocery store, hardware store, and other shops knew her by name. The hair salon owner, who would usher her into her weekly appointment with a reverence I didn’t understand at first, would wave a greeting. By the time we got back to her apartment, she had managed to acquaint me with the lives of a number of shopkeepers she knew. I’d be in awe of her memory, her easy way of talking with the people she met, and the way in which she would change their demeanor from one of distance to closeness because of her presence. During high school years, my conversations with Grammy turned to deeper subjects – [...]

2020-10-05T13:30:43-07:00By |

SAYING NO

The courage to say no. Courage to say no comes from an understanding of your own boundaries and the fact that saying no actually saves you from personal or professional harm. It is better to say no than to say yes and be crushed under the stress of possibly producing poor product or disappointing the requestor. When we say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no,’ it’s because we’re afraid of disappointing someone, or we think it will affect how we are looked at as an employee or friend. A YES in that situation isn’t a sincere ‘yes.’ It’s not an honest ‘yes.’ It’s a YES out of fear. So a NO that is coming from healthy boundaries is better in the short and long run than a yes that is fear driven. It takes courage to say NO. We can keep from saying yes when we mean no. Take a breath. Give yourself a minute to think and say to the person, “I need to think about that for a moment,” or “I need to see whether its possible. I need to check my calendar.” Being an automatic YES without any intervening thought trains everyone in your circle to request things of you because you always say YES. Taking the time to be honest with yourself and therefore the requester over time will lessen the requests and your stress. I learned how to say NO when I got breast cancer. Being a “do-er” and a people pleaser for 55 years had me at an automatic “YES”. Once I was in Chemo and Radiation, I had to say NO because I didn’t have the energy. It came as a surprise to me that the people closest to me, whether personally or professionally, didn’t have an issue with me saying ‘no.’ I was so in my head about disappointing others than I was really in fear of what NO would mean in terms of my relationships.   When to Say No In our culture, it is the norm to give an immediate answer to a request. Because of that we sometimes don’t think or take into consideration our own needs and boundaries. Having a sentence or a particular body language that allows you to think before you speak is probably the most important first step in the process. Having had that time to think, your explanation will come from a point of sincerity which always lands much better in the requestors mind and heart. A few good sentences to use if the unexpected request needs you to quickly answer are: 1) "I'm sorry, I'll have to check a few things before I can give you an answer," or 2) "I'm not sure if a can do that. Can I get back to you? Both of these allow you to defer a definitive 'no' while you prepare your reason. Respect dictates you get back to the person who asked, but at least you will have an answer with which you [...]

2018-06-10T23:34:37-07:00By |

Why Won’t My Teenager Listen to Me?

When my siblings and I were in elementary school, our family always ate weekday dinners together. During dinner we talked about everything. Everyone in the family had a chance to talk about problems, successes, and minutia of the day. My folks insisted that if we wanted to be listened to, we had to listen to everyone else, including them. Our listening training came unusually early in life, and it has served the three of us quite well. What my folks did was to create an environment conducive to sincere communication. They knew that if they wanted their children to listen to them, they needed to listen to us. How did my parents know how to create this environment? My Mom had a mother who was a superb listener, and when my Dad married Mom, he gained a Mother-in-Law that listened so effectively to him, he was able to add effective listening to his communication skills. So what is the basis of good communication with children? By the age of 6, your child is already copying how you communicate. If you communicate with other adults or older children respectfully, and listen for understanding and not to advise or prescribe, then your child will copy that behavior. Their first learning of what is okay and not okay in speaking and listening comes from you. Imagine your child coming home from daycare excited to tell you what they did that day. You, busy sorting mail, prepping supper, texting, or talking on the phone, ask them to wait until you are finished without telling them how long that might be. All they can see from their perspective is that everything you are doing is more important than listening to them. Their self-esteem takes a hit. If this pattern continues, it becomes the communication norm for that child. Unless the communication norm shifts for some reason, your child brings the lessons learned from your communication behavior into their formative and teenage years. Their experience of “What I have to say isn’t important,” has become fact. At this stage, when having important conversations with your child is critical to their self-esteem, ethical, and critical thinking growth, this long-standing norm is blocking the way. "The most important way to talk so your child will listen is to listen to your child," says New York City psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, MD. "If they feel listened too, they are more likely to be able to listen and will feel more understood, have more trust, and be more interested in what you have to say." Here is the great news. You CAN change the communication norm in your family. It will take time and practice, but it is possible, and the results become apparent in short order. No matter what type of family system you have: two-parent, single-parent, blended family, or grandparent caregiver, the norm can shift and a new one created.   Understanding What is Happening The first step parents can take to improve family [...]

2018-01-02T16:27:45-08:00By |

What Not to Say in an Argument

YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU Of all the words not to say when a discussion is turning heated, ‘you’ triggers a myriad of emotions: anger, resistance, shame, distrust, or guilt. When faced with, ‘You are crazy,’ ‘You should be ashamed,’ ‘You’re wrong,’ ‘You could do better,’ or ‘You can't,’ your response is doubt, insecurity, or fear. Not exactly a great way to get to a resolution! At the beginning of a relationship, we attend to the other person because we want to get to know them. We listen to their likes and dislikes, history, family dynamics, dreams and fears. We spend hours in conversation, discovering each other. No fact too small, no story too long. The building of the relationship has newness and surprises. Then comes married life. Work pressure, money issues, no time to connect, parenting tensions, and aging parents become our ever-present companions. More and more conversations have morphed into an argument or confrontation. How did we get here? Whatever happened to the way we used to communicate? Though the relationship may be deepening by virtue of shared experiences, it is becoming undermined by an invisible change in communication. So what can you do? Become aware of several behaviors that get in the way of having clear communication. Using trigger words that you know will put the other on the defensive. Using emotionally-laden words that attack dignity, such as thoughtless, stubborn, inflexible, bossy, or impulsive. Using absolute words such as ‘always,’ ‘never,’ ‘no one,’ ‘everyone,’ and ‘all’ Allowing the need to win overcome the value the relationship Raising your voice. It may indicate your passion about the issue, but it is perceived as a way of gaining power, as well as not listening When you don’t deal with the issue at hand, it will fester inside you, and your partner will be mystified by the silence and psychological isolation that occurs. The silent treatment is a form of emotional isolation that no one deserves nor should tolerate. The first three behaviors center around word choice. Trigger words are ones that come from a person’s history, and their reaction to them is comes from the emotional part of the brain. Absolute words and emotionally–laden words that attack dignity or self-esteem are perceived by the receiver as unfair and believing, that in your eyes, there is no room for growth. How can you work on word choice behavior? Sit down and write a list of your trigger, absolute, and emotionally–laden words and why they trigger or make you defensive. Next to each word, write why it is a trouble word, and at what age and under what circumstances it became one Share your list with your beloved. There will be two outcomes. First, you will reach a new level of understanding in your relationship. Second, your awareness of the off-limit words will result in thinking more before you speak to ensure that you use words from the critical thinking instead of [...]

2020-10-05T17:18:20-07:00By |

Loosening the Grip of Toxic Words

In fourth grade, a fellow classmate told me I was ugly. At the age of nine I had no way of understanding jealousy, rivalries, or peer pressure. I just took what she told me as the truth. I lived with that ‘truth’ until the age of 27 when three wonderful friends worked with me to eliminate that thinking. Before I began doing my listening and communication work, when someone used the word “ugly,” my mind chatter would go through a 30-seconds of “Don’t they know “ugly” is on the inside not the outside” or “Gosh, use the words ‘homely’ or ‘plain.’ Don’t use ‘ugly.’” Once I realized that “ugly” was one of the negative words that was stopping my listening, I worked on minimizing the amount of time I was obsessing on the word, and getting back to the conversation. Today, I am now able to push aside this mind-chatter within a second or two. Why am I telling this story? We all have an incident when a particular word or phrase became toxic for us. Unfortunately, the reasons for the toxicity fade into the background of our personal history, and we never do the work need to release that word’s hold on us. As a result, when that word is innocently used by someone, we drift into mind chatter, stop listening, and essentially become the age we were when that word or phrase became toxic. Becoming age nine, 14, or even 21 at work, may not be so good for your career path. Becoming the age of your teenage kids at home may not be good for your marriage. Let’s see what you can do to increase your awareness of these words. The best way to have words, situations, or perceptions no longer block our listening is to identify what our emotional triggers are and to understand why they evoke these emotions in us. Here is a general, overall view of the three types of emotional barrier that can confront us. Types of Barriers Situational triggers – They consist of difficult episodes in our life that have become unforgettable. This can be anything from breaking a violin string during a grade school performance, to missing the winning basket in a varsity basketball game, to losing a job. Forbidden topics – They consist of matters we will not talk about. There is nothing wrong with having topics forbidden as long as we know why. Being a responsible listener also means being responsible for our emotional needs. If a topic is out of bounds for us, we can make our apologies and leave the conversation. We do not have to sit still and take it. Negative - Positive Words –They consist of specific words coming from our child, teen, and adult experiences that trigger a response in us. We hear these words in face-to-face conversation, as well as on radio and television, considered “acceptable.” No matter where we hear them, they can stop our listening. Creating [...]

2020-10-05T17:18:48-07:00By |

Don’t Want to Answer the Question? Find Out How!

Each one of us have had the experience multiple times of being asked a question that we don’t want to answer. This happens in our professional and personal life, and we often don’t know how to proceed quickly or gracefully.   Essentially, the reason you don’t want to answer a question is what gives you your strategy for responding: The asker has not earned the right to have that question answered due to the level of personal relationship they have with you. The asker has not earned the right to have that question answered due to the level of professional relationship they have with you, or the professional need for the information. The asker has a question about someone else, and is asking for gossip fodder   Personal Questions Normally, the reason you don’t want to answer the question is because it is inappropriate, goes over a personal boundary, or is asking something that the person has not earned the right to know. So, it’s no wonder that you want to dodge the question.   Who has earned the right to know? Perhaps the following exercise will help you be decisive in internally answering this question. Using the following image as a guide, put in the circles what you would be willing to disclose or not be willing to disclose to people that are intimates, those that influence you, those you have an affiliation with, and those that are acquaintances. Once you have made these decisions, you will be able to respond to dubious questions quickly.   The best way I have found to handle this type of situation gracefully is to ask, “What an interesting question. Why do you ask?” The trick behind answering a question with a question is to force the asker to get clear about what they are asking and why, or get them to understand gracefully that the question is not appropriate. The more questions you respond to with a question, the faster they’ll get to that point.   Eventually they may wise up to this strategy, but by then they realize this is a question you are not going to answer. During this conversation however, you have held your boundary and you have handled it without being rude, condescending, or angry.   Professional Questions In a professional environment, some questions are asked to find out business information the asker shouldn’t be privy to, or how you feel about a situation at work, or to find out personal information about you or others, or add your answer to the rumor mill.   Who has earned the right to get an answer? Perhaps the following exercise will help you be decisive in internally answering this question. Using the following image as a guide, put in the circles who you would be willing to disclose professional information to. You are in the middle of the circle. The numbers refer to the approximate number of people in that professional circle. Your influence on [...]

2018-01-02T16:13:25-08:00By |

Gal Interrupted: Gender Communication in the Workplace

by Leslie Shore From the kindergarten classroom to the corporate boardroom, men and women are socialized to communicate differently. Unfortunately, instead of taking advantage of the different styles in a positive way, we see colleagues at odds with each other and not understanding why the conversation is going awry. There are two main differences in gender communication styles: how they listen and why they speak, and disproportionate interrupting of women by men. Men and women listen in conversations for different things. It has long been known that men, because they are wired to be fixers, will listen for that need; and women, who are wired for empathy and relationship building, will listen with that filter in place. To add to this differential, men and women also structure their speaking differently. Communication expert Deborah Tannen defines the difference in gender style as "rapport-talk" and "report-talk."(Githens, 1991) Men get to the point quickly, frontload information, leave out what they consider unimportant information, and don’t sugarcoat their responses. Women give the listener as much context as possible, and as much information as possible in order for the listener to understand the situation, and are more diplomatic in their responses. Lastly, men see conversation as a way to share information, and women see conversation as a way to create or deepen a relationship. Although some of each gender don’t adhere to that behavior, the reality is that the workplace highlights this communication difference on a daily basis. How does this play out at work? Let’s say you ask your colleague Joe to give you feedback on a PowerPoint, and his comment is, “Why the heck did you chose that approach?” The directness with which it was said puts you on the defensive. When you ask Judy for feedback she says, “That’s an interesting approach. Can you tell me why you chose it?” This response is asking for critical thinking. Joe’s response was clearly expressing disagreement with the approach YOU chose, making it personal. Judy’s response was curiosity as to the rationale, making her response about getting clarity, and perhaps having you re-look at that decision. We generally don’t know why something we said landed well or poorly because there is no understanding as to how socialization affects communication choices at a core level. Here are some tips to help navigate these treacherous conversational waters. Men Understand that women speak to give context, so work on being patient with their way of talking about an issue. Keep in mind the women react to negative communication more personally than men, as they feel self-respect is on the line. Have your word choice lean toward asking questions rather than using absolute or negative statements. Remember that women react positively to conversation that enhances connection. Women Instead of showing frustration because of the lack of context you are getting, ask questions to get what you need. Say, “Would you like to rephrase that?” when something that was said lands in you negatively. This [...]

2018-01-10T13:53:58-08:00By |

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