The Heart of Listening
Imagine a world where every world leader, parent, teacher, manager, and friend has become an effective listener. What would a world populated with truly effective listeners be like? How would it be different? In this kind of world, conversations would not lead to arguments, discussions would not escalate into altercations, and everyone would thoroughly listen to what a speaker had to say in order to better understand what was said the first time it was spoken. For 15 years I have been bringing the transformative power of effective listening tools to corporations, universities, non-profits, and the helping professions. This column is dedicated to bringing practical and reflective tools and information to you, so that you may become more effective in your listening, and help others do the same. The Foundation The foundation of my work on listening began when I reflected on why my grandmother was so successful at building relationships with her family, friends, and people she met. People changed their demeanor in a positive way when they were in conversation with her. The residents in her building always flocked to her apartment to have conversations. I always looked forward to our Saturday afternoons together. Why? Every Saturday during my adolescence in Boston I would ride the trolley to Grandmother’s six-story apartment house to visit. Together Grammy and I would make breaded chicken wings for dinner, entertain her friends living in the building, and then walk arm in arm on the shady side of the street down to Howard Johnson’s, some ten blocks away, to indulge in my favorite dish, fried clams. Along the way, Grammy would ask me about my hobbies, home, and school. Her questions were simple, asked to discover what was happening in my life. She listened to every word I spoke, even, it seemed, the unspoken ones. When we sat down to have our meal, we talked about what was happening in her life and the life of her friends. Since my grandmother was the conversational hub around which the 1440 Beacon Street apartment revolved, there was an ample supply of matters to talk about. On the walk back, minor incidents became magical. On the other side of the street, which was lined with all kinds of shops, all the proprietors knew who my grandmother was. Clerks at the local grocery store, hardware store, and other shops knew her by name. The hair salon owner, who would usher her into her weekly appointment with a reverence I didn’t understand at first, would wave a greeting. By the time we got back to her apartment, she had managed to acquaint me with the lives of a number of shopkeepers she knew. I’d be in awe of her memory, her easy way of talking with the people she met, and the way in which she would change their demeanor from one of distance to closeness because of her presence. During high school years, my conversations with Grammy turned to deeper subjects – [...]