When it comes to communication, men and women are different. Not understanding those differences can lead to confusion, hurt feelings, and a great deal of frustration. I handle sessions with men and women in a different way, taking into account how they process information. That said, as I talk about these differences, I am speaking in general terms and realize that not everyone fits these criteria exactly. My goal here is to give you some information that will help you understand communication styles that affect most men and women. Women tend to use verbal communication more and incorporate a number of topics in a conversation. We do not separate emotions and facts as much as men. Everything is connected, including thoughts and emotions. Men compartmentalize more and usually focus on one thought at a time, so they find our style of communication frustrating. I have noticed that in my conversations with men, when I change topics quickly, incorporate too many topics in one conversation, or ramble on with lots of ideas, they get this far-away look in their eye or give me some kind of clue that I have lost their interest. They are not doing this to be rude, they just are struggling to follow my spaghetti brain. Women for the most part will seek out others to talk to when they have a problem or are feeling stressed about a situation. This is one way they can release the stress and feel better. Women talk things through in order to solve problems. Frequently, they need to release emotions first and then talk about all the possible ideas and solutions to move forward. Sometimes when women are talking, all they really need is to be heard and to feel supported. They may not be looking for a solution at all. This is hard for men to understand since they are solution oriented. This causes discord in relationships when a woman only wants to vent and feel heard, but her partner tries to solve a problem. He may feel disrespected because she does not seem interested in his solutions. I tell couples that if she is discussing a problem that involves emotions, just let her vent and support her. If something is broken, then offer to fix it. For men who are unsure of how to proceed, just ask her. Men generally communicate in a different way. They prefer to get to the bottom line as quickly as possible. When you are asking your partner for a good time to discuss a problem, it is helpful if you can let him know that you are not upset and reassure him that there will not be drama in the conversation. It is very important not to criticize, judge, offer advice, warn, coax, or try to change him during these conversations. It will not move the conversation forward in a positive direction. Conversations with men need to be shorter and more to the point. If you can [...]

In my work with singles and couples, the subject of commonalities comes up often. Singles have a list of things they are looking for in a partner. Couples argue because they do not see eye- to- eye. Some people believe that in order to be compatible you have to have a lot in common. Others believe that opposites attract and that makes a good relationship. Personally, I do not believe that compatibility is all that important in a relationship. Yes, you do need to have the important things in common. Similar life goals, values, and mutual respect are the building blocks of a good relationship and are essential. Where people get in trouble, I believe, is thinking they need to have a certain amount in common for the relationship work. I have had the opposite experience in my relationships. My husband and I are different in many ways! We have different interests and ways of doing things. We also have different personalities; but we get along very well. I also do not believe our success is based on our differences. I think we get along because we have the same basic relationship goals and values. We respect each other’s differences and enjoy finding things to do together. Some of the online dating sites base their suggested matches on commonalities. My personal belief is that you are better off looking beyond those commonalities. There is little evidence that sharing interests with someone makes for a better relationship. Differences can spice up, add excitement to, or add balance in a relationship. At some point, you and your partner will disagree. You will have different viewpoints, ideas, and ways of doing things. What is important is to feel loved and to love each other. As long as you connect on enough levels and can accept each other’s differences, you have the basis for a great relationship. Focus more on the ways you are compatible, appreciate each other, support each other, and stay committed to the relationship. We are each unique individuals and need to be responsible for our own happiness. When you have a life you love, then you are able to share that with your partner. You might share a lot of things or a few special ones. Each couple should create a bond that is right for their relationship.

Relationships can be challenging. We take two different people with different beliefs, thoughts, and personalities. We put them together and expect them to create a happy life together. Add to the fact that there are so many differences between men and women, and it is a wonder we get together at all. Let’s face it, relationships take work. They are easier to navigate when we know how to do so successfully. Most of us learn a lot of things in school but how to create a long- term loving, healthy relationship is usually not one of them. In today’s blog, instead of telling you what to do, I am going to talk about ten things I want you to give up in order to have a better relationship. Stop comparing your relationship to your friends or the ones you see on TV. TV is not reality, yet we can get caught up in the fairytale of how relationships “should” be. If you compare your partner to your friend’s, you can set yourself up for disappointment. Remember, you do not live their life, and you are probably only getting part of the story. Find the good in your relationship and move forward from there. Stop trying to control your partner. We are unique individuals and have different thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and ways of doing things. In many situations, there is no right or wrong way, just a different way. Learning to love and accept our partner for who they are, including their differences, creates stronger relationships. Stop blaming your partner for the problems in your relationship. This also means not waiting for them to change to improve your relationship. This takes away your power to positively impact your life and your relationship. When you become the best partner you can be, you elicit the best from your partner as well. In my coaching practice, I will frequently work with just one partner helping them to successfully improve their relationship. Give up negative talk. This includes what you say to your partner, others and yourself. The thoughts and words you use are powerful! Becoming aware of your words and changing them can be a first step in improving any area of your life. Get rid of limiting beliefs. Once you look at your words and thoughts, go one step further and look for limiting beliefs that are contributing to those thoughts. What beliefs do you have about relationships that are negative? You might have learned them from your family or your past experiences. It is time to let go of them and replace them with positive beliefs. You cannot make positive changes with negative beliefs. Stop complaining about all the small things. Then realize that most things are small things. Instead of complaining, make a list of all the things you like about your partner. Once you get into the habit, it is just as easy to focus on what you like. Now take it one step further [...]

Relationships are the cornerstone of our lives and our happiness. Unfortunately, they are also responsible for much or our unhappiness. We go to school for 12 years at least, yet we do not learn much about relationships. With the divorce rate of over 50%, it is obvious that we are not learning what we need to have healthy, happy relationships. We do not learn how to choose a partner or how to keep romantic relationships alive long term. Not only are we not learning what we need to know, we are learning relationship myths that can actually keep us from being happy. What are some of these myths, and how can we learn to spot them so they do not ruin our chances for long-term happiness? Myth #1 Relationships are hard work. You might have heard this from your parents or you might be saying this yourself over coffee with your girlfriends. I hear these kind of statements frequently at social gatherings. If the person is single, they may be using this as an excuse to stay single, “Relationships are too much work. I am glad I am single.” I believe that very few people would prefer to remain single. This belief that relationships are too much work can stop them from trying. For married couples, this might be a reason for not trying to make the relationship better. It can keep people stuck and not motivated to make improvements. Relationships do take effort, but the key to making it last is learning how to make it work. Relationships take attention, commitment, and the right attitude. Part of the problem is that we do not know what to do to make our relationships successful. We might be putting forth a great deal of effort and not getting results, which causes frustration. We need to learn how to communicate and how to give time to our relationships so that our efforts are successful. Myth #2 My partner should know how to make me happy. They should know what I need. I should not have to tell them. This is a very dangerous myth. We are all individuals, and what we want and need in a relationship can be very different. We all have a picture in our minds of what a good relationship looks like. This picture comes from our family of origin, our past experiences and our personality. No picture is right or wrong, they are just different. The key is to find someone whose picture of a relationship matches your own. If you and your partner have two very different ideas of how a relationship works, it will be nearly impossible to have a happy, healthy, long-term relationship. Even if you have similar pictures or similar values, men and women are still very different. What they want and need in relationships are as different as the sexes. This again is something we are not taught. We are usually taught that if my partner loves [...]